Diaries of Insanity
by missick93
Summary: -formely known as The Most Randomest Fruits Basket Story Ever!- Well...maybe not the RANDOMEST persay...don't judge it on the first chapter, thats just so random, I don't even get it. Don't ask.
1. Um, what the heck!

**Heehee. The first chapter sucks, but it's more like a tester chapter. If you don't like it...I dunno. RANDOMNESS! The rest of the chapters are in a different format. I have no idea what this means. I wrote it at midnight...**

Once upon a time, Yuki and Kyo did your mom…a favor. They made you…a sandwich. In the kitchen.  
Kyo loved me and I loved Hatori and Hatori loved Naynay and Naynay loved Yuki and Yuki loved Lindsey and Lindsey loved Momiji and Momiji loved Lindsey back. So they ran away together on giant, floating porpoises. And then they got lost and Lindsey got pissed and dumped him.  
And Momiji cried and cried but then he laughed cause Yuki was wearing a tutu and dancing around like a crazy deranged ballerina. Then he kissed Kyo. Then Kyo hit him. The he kissed Yuki back. Oooh…  
-censored-  
Craziness ensues.


	2. Snakes and Chucky Cheeses

**Kay. This is the craziest fricking story in the universe. If you're expecting it to make sense...you've got issues. Oh wait, thats me.**

* * *

Kyo: Um…what the hell was that about?

Me: I TOLD YOU, DON'T ASK!

Kyo:…kay.

Me: So um…got anything to eat around here?

Yuki: Cheese

Tohru: Riceballs!

Shigure: I'm sure there's something tasty in my room. Wanna go?

Me: 0.0

Kyo: YOU FRICKIN PERV! YOU'RE SO-

Me: Kay! Let's go!

-Shigure and I skip merrily off-

Everyone else: O.O

Kisa: Um…why's everybody O.Oing? They just went to find something to eat.

Hiro:…um, yeah.

Haru: So…what's going on?

Yuki: Um…nothing. Let's go to Chucky Cheeses!

Kyo: Hell no!

Kisa: Yay!

-I burst back into the room-

Me: No! Chucky Cheeses sucks!

Yuki: …What did you guys do in there?

Me: I found a sandwich!

-Holds up a moldy green sandwich that had been found under Shigure's desk-

Yuki: Ooh, is that cheese?

Me: Yeah, here ya go.

-Tosses Yuki the sandwich-

Hatori: What the hell's going on?

Me: I made your mom

Hatori: 0.0

Me: …a sandwich!

Hiro: You did it wrong! Stupid woman.

Me: Stupid sheep.

-huggles him-

Hiro: Baaa!

-Puts Hiro in a humongous pickle jar-

Kisa: Hiro!

Me: Ha ha. Stupid sheep.

Momiji: Oh! That looks fun! Me next!

Me:…okay…

-Huggles Momiji. Stuffs him in a big jar of marshmallow fluff-

Ayame: I, the most marvelous Ayame, have arrived!

Yuki: Um…what are those?

Ayame: My snake brethren! I released them from their enslavement and set them free! Free to roam the green earth, and reach higher destinations!

Yuki:…

Hatori: What?

Ayame: I went to the zoo today!

Me: Oh crap.

Kisa: Eek! Snakes!

Me: Ayame, take them back.

Ayame: Never!

Hatori: Take. Them. Back.

Ayame: Okay!

-Ayame leaves-

Me:…um…wanna go to Taco Bell?

Everyone: Kay!

-Hiro changes back-

Hiro: Hey! Don't leave me in here!

Momiji: Yay! Marshmallows!


	3. I'm a Man

**Still getting randomer. By the second. Oh gosh, this is so much fun to write! Well, if anyone wants to know why I've suddenly gone completely insane it's because of this reason: all of my other stories have at least some plot. There at least the tiniest bit thought out. So I thought, what the heck! I could write a completely stupid random story if I wanted to! And…yeah. This is the result.**

* * *

Me: Hi!

Everyone: Go away.

Me: Ha ha. You guys are sooo funny…Yuki!

Yuki: What?

Me: I'm gonna say a statement, and after each statement, you say "I'm a man", kay?

Yuki: Um…okay…

Me: Yay! You go for a walk.

Yuki: I'm a man.

Me: You meet a girl.

Yuki: I'm a man.

Me: You go on a date.

Yuki: um…I'm a man.

Me: You go to the movies.

Yuki: I'm a man.

Me: You go out for dinner.

Yuki: I'm a man.

Me: You go back to your apartment.

Yuki: …I don't have an apartment.

Me: Don't care. Just say it.

Yuki: …I'm a man.

Me: You sit in front of the fire.

Yuki: I'm a man.

Me: You cuddle.

Yuki: What?!

Me: Shut up.

Yuki: No.

Me: Say it.

Yuki: -sulks- I'm a man.

Me: And she whispers in your ear.

Yuki: I'm a man.

Me: heehee

Yuki: What?

Kyo: Dude, you just sad she said she's a man. You're gay.

Yuki: …Hey! No, I didn't mean that!

Me: -grins- Then why'd you say it?

Hatori: She got you there.

Shigure: Ha ha! Sucka!

Everyone: 0.0

Shigure: What?

Me: Never. Say. That. Again.

Kakeru: Hey, what's going on peeps?

Me: Oh great. You.

Kakeru: Yes! It's me!

Me: -grins evilly- Kakeru, we're gonna play a game.

Kakeru: Uh, okay…strip poker?

Me: No! I'm gonna say something, then you'll say, "I'm a man," kay?

Kakeru: Kay!

Yuki: Here we go again…I'm not gay.

Kyo: Yeah, right.

-Yuki punches Kyo through the roof-

Yuki: Stupid cat.


	4. Hatori's My Reward

**Yeah…this story is the awesomest! Haha! You're all awesome for reading this! Well, it's not that awesome, but it's so refreshing writing nonsense! AHHH! Yes! Drabble! Everybody say YEAH!**

* * *

Me: -sniff-

Kyo: What the hells wrong this time?!

Me: -sniff again-

Kyo: TELL ME DAMMIT!

Me: -sniff- I just read a fanfic in which you die a cruel and unusual death!

Kyo: …WHAT THE HELL?!

Me: I HOPE IT'S NOT TRUE!!!! –knows its not-

Kyo: What if it is!?

Me: I recommend you go tell Tohru you love her before you die.

Kyo: What?!

Me: Go, now!

Kyo: …okay.

-walks over…there-

Kyo: Tohru, I fricking love you.

Tohru: Oh, Kyo! I love you too!

Me: Heh heh. You don't really die.

Kyo: WHAT THE HELL?! Again.

Me: Well, you weren't gonna freaking tell her otherwise, baka neko!

Kyo: Bitch.

Me: -laughs triumphantly- Yay! I deserve a reward! I pick…Hatori!

Hatori- What?

Me: You're my reward!

Hatori: No.

Me: Kay, we'll make a deal. If anyone else will be my reward, you can go.

Hatori: …

Me: It's either that, or writing a love note signed by you to Shigure.

Hatori: Fine.

Me: Yay! Yuki!

Yuki: What now?!

Me: Will you be my reward?

Yuki: …no. You called my gay.

Me: No, you said that about yourself.

Yuki: Well, I already have Machi. Sorry.

Me: Oh. Ok. Kyo!

-Breaks apart from violently kissing Tohru-

Kyo: WHAT?!

Me: Will you be reward?

Kyo: KINDA BUSY HERE!!!

Me: Yeah, Tohru and Kyo were meant to be together…Oh well. Okay…Shigure!

Shigure: Yeah?

Me: Wanna be my reward?

Shigure: Okay!

Me: Aw, you heard the man. No it is!

Hatori: But he said…

Me: Momiji…never mind. Too weird.

Hatori: Hey!

Me: Haru's out, he's got Rin. Hiro's out, he's got Kisa. And he's mean. Ayame's…Ayame. Kureno was meant for Arisa, even though he doesn't know it yet. And Kakeru ran into the corner crying after I made him dance like a hungry chicken. And Akito's really a girl and Ristu dresses like one. So…that leaves you. Ha ha.

Hatori: But…but…what about Naynay from chapter 1?!

Me: Oh, that didn't work out. We tried it for like, 2 days.

Hatori: Damn.

Me: Oh c'mon. You know you'll like it.

Hatori: You're delusional.

Me: Yes! HAHAHA! Now, let's go.

Hatori: Fine.

Me: Shigure, you can come along too. You're cute.

Shigure: Yay!


	5. Richan and Meow Mix!

**Falala! This is the top! Falala! Yes it is! I thought I'd just put in a public service message. To go down the page, take the mouse, hold down the button, and drag it down. To go up, reverse this process. Thank you for your time. **

**Anyway, today we have a special guest! Dark Angel of the Fallen (A.K.A. Ri-chan!)**

* * *

Me: Ooh, that was fun.

Yuki: What did you do?

Me: Oh, nothing. We just played DDR.

Shigure: And kissed passionately

Me: Oh shush…

Ri-chan: Hey!

Me: Tori-chan!!!

Ri-chan: Call me Ri-chan

Me: Okay.

Hatori: Um…who's this?

Me: Ri-chan! Dark Angel of the Fallen! She rocks my freaking socks!

Hatori: Oh.

Me: Yeah. She used to be in love with you, but now she's into Yun-Yun instead.

Yuki: WHAT?!

Me: Yup. Better go hide Machi.

Yuki: Yes! I'll hide her in this random room!

Machi: …what?

Yuki: We're hiding you from Ri-chan!!!

-door swings open. Kyo and Tohru are shagging-

Everybody: OH MY GOD!

Tohru: Eeek! – hides under the blankets-

Kyo: SHUT THE DOOR, DAMN RAT!

Yuki: No kidding! –does it-

-awkward silence-

Ri-chan: Yuki! I'll save you from the deranged fan girls!

-starts beating off Motoko and Machi-

Me: Um…you are a deranged fan girl.

Ri-chan: No, I'm protecting Yuki from evil!!!

Yuki: If you really want to help, go get me a cheese sandwich.

Me: No. I already gave you one.

Yuki: Damn.

-I go over, knock on random door-

Me: You guys done yet?

Tohru: …yes.

-door opens-

Tohru: I'm so ashamed! Children reading this story will think poorly on me and Kyo-kun!

Me: No, you're not the perverts, I am. I'm the author, so don't feel bad.

Tohru: Oh. Okay!

Kyo: You're completely insane, you know that?

Ri-chan: Don't listen to him author-san! I know what will make him behave!

Kyo: WHAT?!

-Ri-chan whispers the secret in my ear-

Me: Oh…brilliant! Kyo, you better behave or you will get no Meow Mix!

Kyo: What?

-Takes out the packet-

Me: MEOW MIX

Kyo: Ooooooh…-drools-

Me: Want it?

Kyo: Yes…..

Ri-chan: Then you gotta kiss Momiji!

Kyo: Hell no!

Me: Meow Mix…

Kyo: Fine.

-Does it-

Momiji: Ew! Kyo, you taste funny!

Kyo: I did it, now gimme my meow mix.

Me: We lied.

Kyo: WHAT?!?!?!?!

Ri-chan: It was empty.

-me and Ri-chan laugh manically-

Kyo: You suck.


	6. Stop Bleeding On My Pancakes

**Hello! I'm back to annoy again! Hope my next chapter doesn't drive you completely insane! Special thanks to snoopykid2991 for the advice of awesomeness! Kay…ha ha. I'm feeling crazy. **

* * *

Me: Hey everyone!

Everyone: What?

Me: …

Everyone: What?!

Me: …oh, nothing.

Everyone: WHAT?!

Me: Lets go to IHOP!

Everyone: …okay.

Me: Yay!

-Go to IHOP-

Me: Heehee! Kyo, you should get bacon! Bacon is the food of love.

Kyo: Hey, shut up!

Tohru: Really?

Me: No.

Shigure: Wait, do they serve alcohol here?

Me: Um…no, it's IHOP. They serve breakfast…stuff.

Shigure: Damn.

Me: Oh shush. Have a waffle.

Shigure: …okay.

Hatori: I need coffee. Very, very strong coffee.

Me: You drink coffee?

Hatori: Now I do. You're driving me insane.

Me: …and you think COFFEE is going to help that?

Hatori: …yes.

Me: And you call yourself a doctor…for shame.

Lindsey: Hey, whattup dawgs?

Me: …um…hey!

Lindsey: Kay, I'll stop now. Can I have some waffles too?

Me: Sure, pop a squat!

Shigure: …high…school…girl…?

-stabs him with a fork-

Me: Hands off, perv…now stop bleeding all over the pancakes.

Yuki: I thought we were having waffles.

Me: We're having whatever we want, fool!

Yuki: -sniff- I'm not a fool.

Me: Yes, you are. Go order a crepe.

Yuki: Okay.

Me: It's filled with ricotta cheese.

Yuki: Yay!

Momiji: Hey guys! What's…

-sees Lindsey-

Momiji: Hi!

Lindsey: Oh. Hey.

Momiji: Wanna go ride flying porpoises?

Lindsey: I thought we already went through this. You've been dumped.

Momiji: -sniff- Oh, yeah.

-goes to cry in a corner-

Lindsey: Aw, c'mon! Don't cry! You're really nice and cute!

Momiji: So you want to get back together?

Lindsey: No. But I'm just saying, there has to be someone for you! How about the author?

Me: What?!

Momiji:...Kay!

Me: Sorry Momiji. I'm taken.

Lindsey: -scoff- By who?!

Me: By my one love, Hatori!...or Orlando Bloom. Or Christian Bale. Or Viggo Mortenson. Or Johnny Depp. Yeah.

Hatori: Serious issues...

Me: Lay off the coffee!

Hatori: NO! -laughs maniacally-

Everyone: 0.o

Me: OKAY...hey, isn't Rin suppposed to be in this story?

Haru: Yeah. Where is she?

Rin: I'm right here, assholes.

Everyone: RIN!

Me: Want a sausage link? They're hot and spicy!

Rin:...No.

Haru:...Wanna go make out?

Rin:...kay.

-they go do their thing-

Hatori: -vibrating- Hey, anyone wanna make out with me?

Everyone who's not me: NO.

Me: YES!

-HEY EVERYBODY! IT'S MAKE-OUT TIME! ALL YOU BOYS AND GIRLS AT HOME, GRAB A PARTNER AND MAKE-OUT ALONG!- -KyoxTohru, YukixMachi, ShigurexAkito, RinxHaru, HatorixMe, NaynayXhis hand, KisaxHiro, LindseyxMomijixAyame (cause Lindsey's a PLAYA!)-

Hatori: Heehee. That was fun.

Me: Um...I think this would be a good time to go. Hatori's being all...weird...again.

Hatori: Yes I am! Hahahaha! I'm CRAZY!

Me: Yeah. NO more coffee. Ever.

-everyone drags Hatori out-

Hatori: NO! COFFEE!!!!

-throws him in the car, drive home, sit in awkward silence-

Hatori: I like coffee.

Everyone: We know.

Tohru:...Kyo, would you like some bacon?

Kyo:...sure.


	7. Hot Guys Are Battling Over Me

**Heehee. It's like…9:30 P.M. now. I'm tired. And sleepy. –giggles like a crazy psycho person- Kay, don't except the next chapter to make any sense whatsoever. Because I'm so frickin tired, I don't even know what I'm writing. **

* * *

Me: -yawns-

Yuki: Um, why are you so tired? It's only like, 9:30, and you're usually up til like…11.

Me: 0.0 how do you know?

Yuki: …internet…?

Kyo: Stalker.

Yuki: Shut up.

Machi: What?!

Yuki: No, I'm not a fricking stalker!

Me: Sure…sure you're n-not –yawns again-

Hatori: Hey!

Me: …hey. Off your coffee high?

Hatori: …yes. But I've come to say, I've realized the error of my ways, and I wish to be your boyfriend.

Me: …what the heck? That was random.

Hatori: I can be random. It's a fan fiction. That's why everybody's all out of character.

Me: Um…okay. I guess that could work out.

-suddenly, Orlando Bloom bursts out from nowhere-

O.B.: Not so fast! That's my girlfriend!

Me: Oh. My. Fricking. God.

Hatori: No, she's mine! I got here first! And I'm awesome!

O.B.: Well, I'm more awesome!

Hatori: Well, I'm the most awesome!

-Christian Bale appears-

C.B.: But I'm the awesomest!

Kyo: …he got ya there.

Me: Is this a put on?

O.B.: No! You're the most awesome! Even more awesomer then me!

Me: Oh. Thank you.

C.B.: But…I think you're the most wonderful thing in the universe!

Hatori: My love for you burns with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns!

Me: Kay. Guys, you're starting to freak me out.

-everybody shuts up for about…2 seconds-

O.B.: I'll fight you for her!

C.B.: Fine!

Hatori: Double fine!

Me: Hey guys! Isn't there some way we can resolve this peacefully?!

All 3 guys: No.

Me: Of course there is! There always is!

Hatori: And what would that be?

Me: …I could date all 3 of you?

-thoughtful silence-

O.B.: That's sounds pretty good.

C.B.: Yeah…

Me: Yay! –laughs- okay boys! I think some serious making out is in order!

All guys: Kay!

Hatori: …we don't have to kiss each other while waiting for a turn, right?

Me: Hmm…nah, better not press it. Um…I pick…Orlando first!

O.B.: Yay!

-just about to kiss, when…-

Me: Wha…? –being shaken roughly-

Kyo: JEEZUS, WAKE UP!

Me: What?!

Yuki: You fell asleep, and then you were talking…

Machi: more then talking…

Kyo: DAMN STRAIT! SOMEONE HAD TO SHUT YOU UP!!

Me: Uh oh…heh heh

Hatori: What's going on in here?

Me: Nothing…do you love me Hatori?

Hatori: NO.

Me: Then…then it WAS all just a dream.

Hatori: Stop dreaming about me.

Me: …Damn cat. You woke me up at the good part.

Kyo: Ha ha.

-Orlando appears on a dazzling steed-

O.B.: I've found you! Be my girlfriend!

Me: …okay!

-ride off into the sunset-

Kyo: What the hell?!

Hatori: I thought you'd have learned by now: DON'T ASK.


	8. No, You Can NOT Be Dakota Fanning!

**This is the next chapter…obviously. Because if it wasn't, you would have already read it or wouldn't be reading it. Right? I'm just out on a limb here. **

**Hey, did anyone ever think of this? If they made a Fruits Basket live-action movie (which would probably be really weird), who would be who? Hmm….a mystery…**

* * *

Me: Hey guys! I'm back!

Tohru: Yay!

Everyone else: Oh god…

Yuki: So, guess it didn't work out with Orlando?

Me: Oh no, we're fine. But we both have our commitments, and we can't let our love get in the way of fulfilling our obligations!

Everyone: …

Me: …Okay. Thanks for the support people!

Everyone: …

Me: You all suck. Anyhoo, who would you guys want to play you if you're life was a movie?

Shigure: TOM CRUISE!

Me: …yeah.

Momiji: Dakota Fanning!

Me: Um…she's a girl…

Momiji: I know!

Me: …

Ayame: I would certainly be cast as Orlando Bloom!

Me: Um…maybe not.

Ayame: Of course I would! Haven't you noticed how his wonderful long hair so closely mirrors mine?

Me: That's not his real hair you know.

Ayame: He would still be a marvelous me!

Me: …-cough- delusional –cough- …You know, I don't even want to know anymore. Shigure: -humph- I would still be Tom Cruise…

Me: Hey! This show/manga is called Fruits Basket, but it has nothing to do with fruit!

What fruit would you be?

Tohru: …I think I'd be a strawberry! They're so sweet and juicy!

Me: …hey! That answer actually makes sense!!!

Yuki: I'd be a kiwi.

Me: Okay, that works. Kyo, what would you be?

Kyo: This is so dumb.

Me: Oh, shut up. What would you be?

Kyo: …an orange, I guess.

Me: Heh heh.

Kyo: What?!

Me: Heh. Orangey is an orange!

Kyo: Wha…hey!

Me: Yum! Tohru loves her sweet yet tangy orange!

Kyo: SHUT UP!!!

Tohru: I…um…but…

Me: Yes, yummy yummy tasty orange. She wants to peel your peel off!

Kyo: I SWEAR, I'M GONNA---

Tohru: I…um…but…

Me: Oh, did I mention that kiwi is SO much tastier then orange? …actually, I like orange juice.

Kyo: THAT'S DISGUSTING!

Me: …oh. You mistook my meaning, silly kitty. I meant the JUICE that is ORANGE in color and flavor, which you buy at the grocery store! And you have it at breakfast! Idiot. You've been spending too much time around Shigure.

Yuki: Pervert.

Kyo: SHUT UP, DAMN RAT!

Me: Oh do shut up, noisy silly kitty.

Kyo: I hate you.

Me: Oh, have some meow mix.

Ri-chan: YUKI!

Yuki: Oh, not you again.

Ri-chan: Yes! At the word meow mix, I was summoned!!

Me: Hey Ri-chan! Did you here I was going out with Orlando Bloom?

Ri-chan: No! That's so cool!

Yuki: You're annoying.

Me: Ri-chan, sick him!

Ri-chan: Yay!

-glomps Yuki, who screams in terror-

Me: Aw! It's a happy ending after all!

Everybody: SHUT UP.


	9. AAAHHHH! LILAC!

**The Most Randomest Fruits Basket Story in the world will now continue. Sorry it took a while. EXAMS!!! Math is scary and evil and the most evilest ever! And I'm going to fail, because…I guessed the whole time (or at least 45 percent of the time…). BUT! I only have 2 more days of school!! And one's the beach one ones graduation! Yay no obligations!!! …but I'm getting braces Tues…sinks into eternal depression**

* * *

Me: -sigh- 

Everyone: Oh no.

Tohru: What's wrong author-san?

Me: It's rainy and I'm getting braces and I haven't heard from Orlando and the world is dying because of global warming and my socks feel sweaty and my fish is dead

Tohru: …oh. That's a lot to worry about.

Me: My writing portfolio sucks, I failed my math exam, I have an intense fear of the color lilac…

Tohru: Oh my.

Me: I feel degraded, disrespected, utterly uninterested and life sucks.

Tohru: …

Me: …

Tohru: …

Everybody: …

Me: Oh wow, I feel better now.

Tohru: …Lilac?

Me: AAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!

Tohru: Oh, I'm so sorry!!!

Me: Ha, just kidding. Not scared of any shade of purple what-so-ever.

Kyo: What a bitchy thing to do!

Me: Ooh, protecting our dearest Tohru now, are we?

Kyo: No! I mean, yes! But not like…I didn't mean…

Me: Ha ha. Silly flustered kitty.

Kyo: …

Me: Yuki? Shigure? Would you like to join with me in laughing obnoxiously at Kyo?

Yuki: …kay.

Shigure: YES!

Me: On the count of three, right Yuki –wink-

Yuki: …-dawning comprehension- Oh right. Okay.

Me: One…

Yuki: Two…

Shigure: THREE! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA -looks around- Why is no one else laughing?

Kyo: DAMN BASTARD!

-punches Shigure through the roof-

Me: Yay! It worked!

Yuki: Actually, that was kinda cool…

Me: Are you hitting on me?

Yuki: …no.

Me: I think you are.

Yuki: No.

Me: I have to alert Machi and Ri-chan to this disturbing behavior!

Yuki: NO!

Me: MACHI! RI-CHAN!

Machi: Yeah?

Everyone: …

Me: RI-CHAN!!!

Everyone: …

Me: Oh fine. –sigh- Meow mix.

Ri-chan: I'm here!

Me: …wow. You really need a better calling card.

Ri-chan: Hey, shut up! You're the one writing this!

Me: …heh heh. Got a point there. Anyway, want to help us beat up Yuki, too?

Ri-chan: Yay! Out of love!

Me: How about you, wecanworkitout?

wecanworkitout: um…who's Yuki again?

Me: Silvery hair, low self confidence, all hot and emo…

wecanworkitout: …oh. Okay!

Me: Hooray!

Yuki: OH SHIT!

Me: ATTACK!

-all crazy peoples unite under one nation to beat up Yuki, either out of love, anger, or pure frustration out of his self pity-

Kyo: Heehee This is fun.

Me: …we're going after you next. KAGURA!

Kyo: Double shit.

Me: Heehee

Crazy peoples: Kill the Yuki!

Me: Yes!

-mail man comes-

Mail man: 0.0 ...um...I have a letter for the author of this story...

Me: That would be me!

Mail man: Here ya go! -throws letter at me and runs away-

Me: ...-rips open letter- Hey, it's from Orlando! He says hi! And he misses me! Aw, he's so cute!

Shigure: -sigh- Ah, young imagined love!

Me: I'm much happier now :)

Everyone: ...

Yuki: THEN CAN YOU GET THEM OFF ME?!

Me: ...no.


	10. Be Happy or Else

**Yay! I'm officially a freshman!!! Guys are so stupid! I got totally pissed at this guy who kept looking at me but he wouldn't ask me to dance! I was all like, what the heck? Its like, how can you possibly not notice I liked you all fricking year?! Oh well. Sorry, didn't mean to dump my annoyingness on you…yeah…Oh, and by the way, some spoilers for like…the ending I think. I haven't actually finished the series, but I know what happens…**

* * *

Me: Hey.

Everyone: Piss off.

Me: No. Guys are stupid.

All the guys: Hey!

All the girls: Hell yeah.

Me: Except my Orlando. He's awesome. Can you believe some people actually call him Orly? That's weird. It sounds like oral-ly to me, and who wants to be called that?

Everyone: 0.0

Me: Kyo, I'm gonna call you Oral-ly

Kyo: Hell no.

Me: Fine, then maybe Tohru will.

Kyo: HELL NO!

Me: Hee hee. Silly kitty. …who am I going to screw with today? …

Everybody: -whistles and tries to look inconspicuous-

Me: hee hee. I'm gonna go mess with Arisa and Kureno. Anyone want to help?

Tohru: I'll help! For Uo-chan!

Saki: Yes…if it's for Uo-chan…

Me: Oh great, now I have to be noble…I mean, of course it's for Arisa! Why else would I want to interfere –secretly rolls eyes when sure Saki isn't looking-

Tohru: Uo-chan, follow me!

Arisa: What's up?

-me, Saki and Tohru run-

Arisa: Hey, wait up!

-run all the way to the Sohma house-

Me: -knocks on Kureno's door- KURENO! OPEN UP, YOU BASTARD!

Kureno: -opens door- Akito? Oh. Who the hell are you?

Me: I have come to make love bloom! Because you're too stupid to!

Kureno: What?

-Arisa, Saki, and Tohru show up, panting-

Kureno: Miss Uotani? What are you doing here?

Me: SHE'S HERE TO LOVE YOU, SO BE HAPPY!

Arisa and Kureno: …

Arisa: What the hell?

Kureno: …

Tohru: I-I didn't want to make you m-mad Uo-chan! I just want you t-to be happy!

Me: Oh, run along. Please. I'll handle this!

Tohru: O-okay

Saki: Yes…

Kureno: What do you mean 'You'll handle this'?!

Me: Kureno, I love you, and you're hot, but Arisa is your soul-mate! Screw Akito and leave!

Kureno: …but I already did. She made me.

Me: I MEANT FIGURATIVELY! GOD, YOU'RE ALL FRICKING MORONS!

Kureno: …

Me: Arisa, you and Kureno were meant to be together! No, you are NOT over him. NOW BE HAPPY!

Arisa and Kureno: …

Me: **BE HAPPY!!!**

Arisa and Kureno: OKAY!

-much making out ensues-

Me: Yay, I feel so great! I made a difference!

Hatori: Well, anyone who actually finished the series knows they end up together anyway.

Me: Oh, shut up.


	11. I Really Need A Vacation

**Okay…so bored. In the boredest way possible. Anyhoo, getting braces tomorrow. Which really sucks. I'm going for clear. Cause red's just creepy. Wrote my first Little Women fic, and I think it turned out okay…yay me! I like my POTC one too, but I only have like 5 reviews, so I'm sad… :(**

* * *

Yuki: Okay guys. We have to figure out a way to get rid of the author.

Tohru: …but why?!

Kyo: CAUSE SHE'S A BITCH!

Yuki: …no. She's just psychotic. And she's very interfering.

Me: Hey guys!

Everybody: -whistles and tries to look inconspicuous-

Me: -sigh- You're trying to figure out how to get rid of me, aren't you?

Everyone: um…no…

Me: Oh c'mon, I'm the author. I know these things.

Everyone: …

Me: -bursts into tears- I knew it! You all hate me!

Tohru: No, of course not!

Yuki: We were just wondering if you could maybe back off a little.

Kyo: No, I pretty much hate you.

Tohru: Kyo!

Kyo: …oh, all right. I don't COMPLETELY hate you.

Everyone: -nods in agreement-

Me: So…-sniff- you just want me to not interfere?

Everyone: Yeah, pretty much.

Me: …okay. I guess I could take a vacation.

Everyone: Kay.

-pack bags and leave-

Kyo: YES! We got rid of her!!

Yuki: Well…she took it pretty well. I guess life will be back to normal for a while.

Hatori:…um…what is that?

Hiro: It's a tornado…thing…

Shigure: OH MY GOD! IT'S A FRICKING TORNADO! MADE OF…KETCHUP!!!

Everyone: What the hell?!

Tohru: Look! It's snowing!

Haru: Ugh. It's cheese.

Yuki: Oh good. I'm starving.

Saki: Now the ground is splitting open…it seems as if all hell is breaking loose.

Ayame: Could this travesty have to do with the banishment of the author?!

Shigure: Yes! Now that she's gone, there's not even the slightest glimmer of a plot line! It's like…it's like…A SOAP OPREA!!!

Everyone: -GASP!-

Kisa: Hiro, I'm scared!

Rin: This is bad…soon they'll be aliens. And evil twins. And sibling romance.

Yuki: Oh shit.

Hatori: Wait…how do you know?

Rin: …well, what the hell do you think I do all day in the hospital? Read?!

Hatori: …got a point there…

Kureno: Well then, what will we do?!

Akito: HAHA! I'll make my first appearance in this story to tell you I am the new author! Face my wrath!

Everyone: -DOUBLE GASP!-

-dramatic thunder clap-

Me: NOT SO FAST AKITO!

Everyone: AUTHOR-SAN!

Me: …yeah. I'm back so… um…piss off Akito.

Akito: NEVER!

Me: Hey! I'm the author, so if I tell you to piss off, PISS OFF! GOT IT?!

Akito: …okay.

-Akito runs away-

Everyone: YAY!

Yuki: How did you know we needed you?

Me: I'm the author. I know these things.

Everyone: …

Me: heh heh. Now, I'll change everything back to normal!

Yuki: Aw, can't we keep the cheese rain?

Me: No. It smells.

-poofs everything normal-

Me: Well, now that that's done and over with, let's settle this with a typical cheesy sitcom moment. Group hug!

Everyone: AW! –hugs-

Shigure: Eww Kyo, you're groping me.

Everyone: …

Me: Way to kill the moment.


	12. Schmucking Braces and Hot Doggies

**OH MY GOSH!! My brother just gave me the funniest idea EVER!!!! Well…not really, but I'm inspired. So, he's going to be in this chappie. His name shall be… supermidget2.0. Which is also inspired. Hee hee. Oh and…I got braces today. They're silver. And they suck. And my teeth kill…oh and shmucking is my word.**

* * *

Yuki: Hey…where's the author?

Tohru: I really hope she didn't go on another vacation!

-everybody looks at Shigure suspiciously-

Shigure: …hey, this time, it has NOTHING to do with me! I swear!

-author enters-

Me: -gloom- hey guys…

Yuki: What's wrong this time?

Me: …

Yuki: …

Me: I GOT SHMUCKING BRACES! –weep-

Yuki: Oh…hey, they're not that bad.

Tohru: Yeah! They're all pretty and shiny!

Kyo: HAHA! BRACE FACE!

Me: -sniff-

supermidget2.0: Hey!

Everyone: …

Kyo: Who the hell are you?

supermidget2.0: I'm the author's brother! Did you make her cry?

Kyo: …no.

supermidget2.0: Nobody makes my big sister cry except me, got it?!

Kyo: …kay.

supermidget2.0: INSOLENT COWARD! I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUEL!

Kyo: …what?

supermidget2.0: A HOT DOG EATING CONTEST!

Kyo: …what?!

Me: GO MATTY!

supermidget2.0: I'll protect your honor, metal mouth!

Me: …you suck. In the best way possible.

Tohru: Aw! So cute! Anyway, I made the hotdogs! 300!

supermidget2.0: Thank you! You're so nice!

Tohru: -blush- YOU'RE SO CUTE! –huggles- CUTER THEN KISA!

Kisa: …

Tohru: Okay, maybe it's a tie…

Me: …well, lets get going, shall we? On your mark…get set…SNOW!

Everybody: …

Me: heh heh…GO!

-hot dog stuffing ensues-

Me: Time! It's been…2 minutes, folks! Kyo, how did you do?

Kyo: -holds up hot dog in triumph- 98!

Me: 98 out of 150! Very impressive! Shorty?

supermidget2.0: …

Me: Matty?

Tohru: He ate all of them, and then he ate 15 empty buns with ketchup and a jar of wasabi…

Yuki: I think he's gonna puke…

supermidget2.0: …no…just…sleepy…

Me: Wow…who knew you could get a workout by eating?

Shigure: Oh! I knew!

Everyone: …

Shigure: …I'll shut up now.

supermidget2.0: Ah, that's better. …Hey! Where's Ritsu?! I haven't seen him all story!

Me: Ah…about that…

Ritsu: OH! I'M SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SORRY! I GOT LOCKED IN THE BATHROOM! SOMEONE MUST HAVE LOCKED IT BY ACCIDENT!

Me: …

Ritsu: I AM SO SORRY! I'VE COMPLETELY RUINED YOUR STORY!

Me: Um…maybe by coming here…

Ritsu: OH MY GOSH! I'M SORRY! I JUST MADE IT WORSE! I'LL LEAVE RIGHT NOW!

Me: Dude, I was kidding.

Shigure: I know how to handle this! –poke-

Ritsu: -flop-

Me: Wow…you were actually useful for something…maybe it's the apocalypse…

Shigure: yeah…hey!

Me: haha. You're stoopid.


	13. Sumi, the majestic glittering ruby

**Hey everybody! **

**Hi Dr. Nick! **

…**sorry. I've been watching too much Simpsons…anyhoo, I'm SO bored. I wanted to thank ****Tayk, ****Kuroi Kochou - Black Butterfly, and ilovekyosohma for there EXCEEDINGLY helpful advice regarding a new fic I'm writing. Big shout out to you guys! You rock!!!!! …now, on with the show!**

* * *

Me: Hallo!

Everyone: Oh. Crap. RUN!!!!!!!!

Me: Oh shut up.

Everyone: Okay…

Me: I want to introduce a very awesome person! Our guest star…Sumi!

Everyone: -GASP- Such a majestic glittering ruby of a person!

Sumi: Hey guys!

Me: Sumi has mad skills! She can juggle…

Everyone: OOH!

Me: she can do stand up comedy…

Everyone: AHH!

Me: She can annoy the hell out of you guys!

Everyone: …oh…

Yuki: That might be a problem…

Sumi: No! I would NEVER do that! …heh heh

Hatori: Not good. Very not good.

Kyo: -cough-

Me: Oh great. Kyo's choking again.

Sumi: What?

Me: Oh, he does this all the time. He's stupid that way.

Kyo: -cough- Hey! –cough-

Sumi: I'll save you Kyo!

Kagura: No way! That's my job!

Kyo: -cough-

Sumi: But I've never saved Kyo before!

Kagura: Well he's my lover!

Kyo: -cough- not… -cough-

Me: Um...I think Kyo's dying guys…

Sumi/Kagura: NOOOOOO!

Sumi: …wait, you can save him Kagura.

Kagura: REALLY?!

Sumi: Sure, why not? I don't really care.

Kagura: YAY!!!

Kyo: -dying-

Sumi: HI RIN!!!

Rin: …hey.  
Sumi: You're so awesome!!!!!!!

Rin: …who the hell are you?

Sumi: I'M YOUR NUMBER ONE FAN!!!!

Rin: …piss off.

Sumi: -weeps-

Me: It's okay. She does that to everyone.

Sumi: Oh, I know. I just stepped on a thumbtack.

Haru: Hey Rin.

Rin: …hey.

Haru: Wanna make out?

Rin: …sure.

Sumi: -weeps-

Me: Jeez, that thumbtack must really hurt.

Sumi: …yeah.

supermidget2.0: Hey guys!

Everyone: Oh great. The author's annoying brother.

Me: Anyone who makes fun of my brother will get their asses whooped presently. Got it?

Everyone: -very, very afraid-

Kyo: Well, well. If it isn't the little punk who made me look stupid last time.

supermidget2.0: You didn't need my help.

Everyone: hee hee

Kyo: WHY YOU LITTLE-!

supermidget2.0: Now, now Kyo. I just wanted to come to apologize. Truce? –holds out hand to shake-

Kyo: -grumpy- Fine. Truce.

-boys shake hands-

Kyo: Ew! What the hell's on your hand?! It's all…wet!

supermigdet2.0: Oh, sorry. I just washed my hands.

Kyo: …okay.

supermidget2.0: Kyo, there's a fly on your head.

Kyo: Really? –smacks forehead- …hey! I can't move my hand!

supermigdet2.0: Ha ha! That was super glue! You're stuck now!

Kyo: What the…I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!!

Me: Heh heh. Good one, Matty.

supermidget2.0: -running for dear life- Thank you!

Sumi: Your brother's awesome!

Me: Yeah, I know!

Yuki: Stupid cat…

Kyo: DAMN YOU ALL!!!!

Me: Oh, do shut up.

Kyo: …I hate you.


	14. Johnny Depp Escapes From The Grape Woman

**Yes, I'm back! I want to mention now my gratitude to all my readers. You really make it worth my while! …you must be easily entertained…no, I'm kidding. You guys are great. And I'll try to add everyone who asked in, but there's a lot of you, so don't worry if you have wait a little while. I'll try my best!**

* * *

Me: Hey Everyone!

Tohru: Hi author-san!

Me: Hey Tohru! You're back!

Tohru: Yes, yasu-the-anime-cupid dragged me back!

Me: Oh, thank you. I'd forgotten to add Tohru lately.

yasu-the-anime-cupid: That's no prob! Just trying to help! …this is the right story right?

Me: I think so…you're the one who said you'd be a grape, right?

yasu-the-anime-cupid: YES!

Me: …ah ha…

yasu-the-anime-cupid: …is Johnny Depp in this story?

Me: Not really. Not yet at least.

yasu-the-anime-cupid: PUT HIM IN!

Me: …okay.

-pop!-

Johnny Depp: …um, what am I doing here?

yasu-the-anime-cupid: OMG, I LOVE YOU!!!!

Me: Oh jeez…you better run man. For her, make out time is ALL the time.

J.D.: Thanks for that…-runs away-

yasu-the-anime-cupid: NO! COME BACK!!! –runs off-

Me: And just so everyone knows, she'd be a grape.

Everyone: …

Me: Yes, that's what I said.

Lucy: Hi!!!

Me: LUCY!

Everyone: …

Me: Everyone, this is Lucy, the amazing flower fairy!

Everyone: …

Me: She was also a witch! Who yelled a lot!

Yuki: Um…why do you keep introducing new people who disappear?

Tohru: Um, yes! Where do they all go?

Me: …Hey! I don't know!

-everyone looks at Shigure-

Shigure: Um…heh heh… -opens closet door and Naynay, Lindsey, Ri-chan, Christian Bale, Orlando Bloom, wecanworkitout, supermidget2.0, Sumi and the random mailman all fall out-

Me: BEJEEZUS! WHAT WERE YOU ALL DOING IN THERE?!!

Sumi: …having cookies!

-everyone nods happily in agreement-

Me: okay, you guys all have to go. Um…Naynay, go take Lindsey to lunch.

Naynay: Okay!

Lindsey: -sighs- Whatever. But stop drooling on me.

Naynay: …sorry. I smelled pancakes.

-they leave-

Me: …um….what's the opposite of meow mix?

Yuki:…xim woem?

Me: Exactly! Xim woem!

Ri-chan: Oh. Bye!

Me: Rin, I command you to go hang out with Sumi and then take her home.

Rin: WHAT?!

Sumi: Yay!

Me: I'm the author, so do it.

Rin: No way!

Me: Hey, Naynay's free too. I could pair you with him instead.

Rin: …no, Sumi's good.

Me: Random mailman…just… go to your mail stuff, kay?

Random mailman: -traumatized- O-okay…

Me: wecanworkitout, can you take supermidget2.0 home for me?

wecanworkitout: Sure, I guess…can I take a fudge pop from your fridge?

Me: …-sigh- You drive a hard bargain, but…yes. But only ONE.

wecanworkitout: Two?

Me: No.

wecanworkitout: Fine. C'mon Matty.

supermidget2.0: Okay. Do I know you? Because I'm not supposed to go with strangers…

wecanworkitout: Yeah, I'm your sister's friend.

supermidget2.0: Anyone could say that, weirdo!

Me: It's okay Matty. She's a friend of mine.

supermidget2.0: Oh. That's different then.

-leaves-

Me: …okay. –sigh- As much as it pains me, you have to go home Christian.

C.B.: What?! But I love you!

Me: Well, I'm going out with Orlando now. Sorry.

C.B.: -sniff-

Me: Oh god, I made him cry. How about we be friends, kay?

C.B.: Okay. But tell me if you guys split up!

Me: Will do! Now, Orlando, you can stay.

O.B.: Yay!

Me: Just go back into the closet and have some cookies, and we'll make out later.

Hatori: You're an idiot.

Me: Oh, go be emo somewhere.

Hatori: …

Me: Well, we got rid of everyone! You can hang out for awhile though Lucy.

Lucy: OMG, it's Kyo!

Kyo: Oh no, not again! Go away!

Me: Lucy, Kyo and Tohru GO together!

Lucy: Bwa ha ha! Too bad!

-kidnaps Kyo-

Me: …well. This is a problem, isn't it?

Yuki: You know what the problem is? This chapter is way too long!

Me: …it is, isn't it? Ah well.

Lucy: Ha ha ha! Kyo, my love! We must get married!

Kyo: -duct taped- Mmph!

Lucy: You all heard it! That was definitely a yes!

Me: …um, I don't think so.

Kagura: Now why didn't I think of that?!

Me: I'm sorry Lucy, but I don't think this is going to work out.

Lucy: -sniff- But…but…

Me: Oh, okay.

Kyo: MM MMPH?!

Lucy: Yay!

-Lucy runs away, dragging Kyo behind her-

Me: Invite me to the wedding!

Yuki: …well, that was interesting.

Me: Yeah, but this chapter's way too long. Better end it.

Hatori: Yes, but maybe we should go save Kyo first…

-everyone looks at each other-

Everyone: Nah.

* * *

yasu-the-anime-cupid: Hey you guys! I caught him! …guys? Oh great, they ended it without me. That sucks. 


	15. Yes, J Does Come After 10

**Wow…it's been a while, eh guys? Just finished my play…so sad, actually. But enough about me, I'll try to write something… Yeah, I know this one's terrible, but I'm tired. So...I'll try and write another one later. Oh, and the BS thing really happened at the cast party. He's a terrible lier . **

* * *

Me: Oh god…

Everyone: OH GOD, SHE'S BACK.

Me: Yeah, just about to sat the same thing, actually .

Kyo: What's up now?

Me:…nothing –sniff-

Kyo: Oh, for god's sake…

Tohru: What's the matter?!

Me: Ew, I'm sick…too much hugging in drama…

Orlando: -bursts out of closet- LE GASP!! HUGGING?!?

Me: Hey, take it easy…

OB: Take it easy?! I will not take it easy!!

Me: But-

OB: You are a meany head!!! –cries and runs away-

Me: Oh, for christ sake…

Christian Bale: Does this mean I get to come back?!

Me: No. Back in the closet.

CB:…-cries-

Yuki: Isn't there anyone normal here?

Me:…no, haven't come across many of those people lately. So…hey, Kyo!

Kyo: …what?

Me: They named the fan book after you!

Kyo: Wonderful.

Me: Aren't you excited?!?!

Kyo: Not really…

Ayame: How completely stuck up you are, Kyon! I'd be completely flattered, if not at all surprised, to have a book named after me!

Kyo: Where did you come from?!

Yuki: Oh no…

Ayame: Yes, it is I, the most marvelous Ayame! I'm gracing you with my magnificent presence!

Me:…go away please --

Ayame: -goes cries-

Yuki: You're just making everyone cry today, aren't you?

Me: Well, it's not my fault all the men around here are wimps.

Hatori: Hey!

Me: Oh, don't start on me, emo-tard.

Hatori: …I will not stoop to your level…I'm going to go cut myself.

Me: Oh stop it. You're all being losers. As far as I can tell, Kyo's the only real man here!

Kyo:…thank you?

Yuki: What about me?!?

Me: -bursts into hysterical wild laughter- …No.

Yuki: What do you mean by that?!

Me:…Yuki, look down your shirt and spell 'attic'

Yuki: Why?

Me: Cause then you'll see what I mean.

Yuki: …fine. –looks down shirt- A-T-T-I-C. Happy?

Me: You see?

Yuki: What?

Kyo: Ha, loser, you just said you saw tits down your shirt.

Yuki: What?!?! …oh god!!!

Me: See? What kind of a man are you?

Yuki: A manly man!

Kyo –coughwithtitscough-

Me: Exactly.

Yuki: …-cries-

Akito: …wow. You made more of them cry then I did.

Me: Oh great. I'm gonna go be moody somewhere else. Anyone wanna play BS?

Shigure: Oh, I do!!!

Me:...-sighs- Fine.

Shigure: I have 3 11's!!!

Me:...we haven't started yet. And there ARE no 11's.

Shigure: Well, just because you're stupid and think J comes after 10...

Akito: Can I come?

Me: No, why don't you go get a sex change?

Akito: …-cries-


End file.
